Moving beyond ejaculation...
Separating orgasm from ejaculation is something I’ve written about in my previous blog ‘Sex without ejaculating – what’s the point?!’. But what can you do instead of ejaculating during masturbation or sex with your partner? What alternatives are there? I recommend the following practices. Why? Because they will help you learn how to relax your body when you’re reaching that ‘point of no return’, and consciously choose to do something different. You will build new neural pathways associated with arousal and separate orgasm from ejaculation. Yes guys, that’s possible. Ejaculation and orgasm are two separate physiological processes. Ejaculation is simply a physical, involuntary muscular contraction that you can learn to master. You can interrupt the Pavlovian response of cumming and learn to open, expand and relax that arousal into the rest of your body. All it takes is intention, commitment and discipline…
The Big Draw Practice
‘The Big Draw’ is a well known practice in Taoist circles, designed to sublimate and move sexual energy/arousal from the genitals up through the body to the crown of the head. I’m not going to talk in detail about this practice and I’ll explain why in a moment. If you want to learn more about it I recommend reading ‘The Multi Orgasmic Man’ by Mantak Chia or watching my short video describing the technique. Basically though, the ‘Big Draw’ involves clenching, squeezing and contracting the pelvic floor muscles and whole body as tightly as you can, whilst holding a full in-breath, before exhaling and dropping into a state of relaxation.
The Wave Practice
I developed this alternative, softer practice (which I call The Wave) because I constantly see clients who are already chronically tense and unconsciously squeezing and contracting their bodies in response to sexual stimulation or arousal. This perpetual clenching, contraction and tightness in the body actually BLOCKS sensation being felt anywhere other than the very focussed area of the genitals. Try to visualise it like this: your cock/pussy/genitals are a pot of water…when you have sex or stimulate your erotic energy in some way you are HEATING that water up. When it gets hot enough it turns into steam and naturally wants to move out of the pot. If the muscles, fascia and tissues around that pot (your pelvis, your arse hole, your thighs, your belly, your butt cheeks etc) are tight and clenched then the steam cannot permeate through and instead you get this erratic, uncontrolled and messy bubbling over i.e. ejaculation. If you can learn to soften the physical, emotional and energetic elements of your body the ‘steam’ of your sexual energy will be free to waft it’s delicious tendrils far and wide!
The Wave practice is designed to combine mindful breathing with muscular relaxation and encourage you to learn how to let go of tension on the exhale, so that arousal and sensation can spread through your body with the returning inhale. You can use this practice at any point during your masturbation or partnered sex for a mini ‘pause’ experience, allowing your arousal to be whooshed around your body. Alternatively it can be used as a way of ending your session, instead of just ejaculating. Here’s how to do it…
Once you have mastered the basic practice above and you can:
a) identify your arousal levels
b) totally relax and let go of muscular tension with the exhale
c) draw the inhale in smoothly
d) hold the inhale without squeezing
…then I recommend adding the following gentle muscular contractions:
- When you begin your stepped inhales combine them with gentle ‘pumps’ with your pelvic floor muscles.
- Pump or squeeze in time with your inhale, relax and let go with the exhale.
- This contraction should be isolated to your PC muscles, if your butt cheeks, thighs or belly are clenching you’re doing it wrong. To isolate your pelvic floor muscles imagine cutting a pee off half way through, or the feeling in your pelvis as you walk into an icy cold lake.
- During the three long inhales/exhales keep the pelvic floor totally relaxed.
- During the long hold with no air in your lungs keep the pelvic floor totally relaxed.
- As you begin the smooth slow inhale add a gradual and gentle contraction of the pelvic floor, hold with the inhale at the top and then relax as you exhale.
Repetition, Dedication and Practice..
The first time you try this practice you might not feel much at all. It certainly won’t feel like the 5-10 second ejaculatory orgasm you’re used to. You are not replacing like-for-like, you’re moving beyond the 5 second peak orgasm. It’s a matter of re-configuring your understanding and expectation of what orgasmic sensation potentially can be. It’s often subtler, more long lasting: like a peak orgasm in slow motion. Less like being electrocuted by a 220V outlet, more like being covered in waves and waves of warm, electric light.
If you are very numb and ‘frozen’ in your body it will take time and practice for things to ‘thaw out’ and to increase your capability to FEEL. It’s chicken and egg though: the more you leave off the peak orgasms and cumming, the more bandwidth you will have available to actually feel sensation in your body.
Some people experience strong emotional release with this practice: laughter, tears, joy, sadness, relief, aliveness… Others enter a space of deep, quiet stillness: no thoughts, no internal narrative, no sense of time.
If you have questions about non-ejaculation, the Tantric approach to sex and intimacy or anything else mentioned in this blog article let me know in the comments.
If you want to learn how to be more in tune with your arousal and master your ejaculation response through a series of virtual coaching sessions or in-person bodywork sessions then feel free to drop me an email on firstname.lastname@example.org
Click to download a pdf of the basic Wave practice