Whether you’re single & dating, have been in a relationship for 5 minutes, 5 years or 5 decades, you’ve probably got some fairly ingrained ‘go to’ patterns for sex and intimacy: tried and tested ways of connecting that you feel comfortable with or that you know both you and your partner enjoy. When you want to have better sex, where do you start? What do you change? Some of these ideas might seem a little counter-intuitive, but trust me… they can revolutionise your experience of sex and intimacy.
1. STOP HAVING 'SEX'...
A piece of ‘homework’ I give to a lot of the couples who come to me for sessions is ‘do not have sex for at least one week’. Some of them look at me as if to say ‘WHAT?! That’s our current situation…we’re stuck & we’re not having sex, and we want to change that… are you mad Libby?!’ This highlights one of the (I think) biggest myths about intimacy: that ‘SEX = PENETRATION’ and a ‘result’ or ‘goal’ of ejaculation and peak orgasm. So, if you only have this one-track approach to sex, of course it’s going to feel like you’re ‘failing’ if that doesn’t happen on a regular basis.
This first tip is about exploring INTIMACY without the standard goal posts, letting go of the habits, assumptions and patterns. Put the brakes on and explore without the need to achieve an outcome. What can also happen here is that when you take away the pressure of ‘having to have sex’ you can explore with more freedom and playfulness.
So, this might look like an evening of just kissing - nothing else allowed. Remember when you were a teenager and you’d snog and make out for what seemed like hours? Explore that place, make love to each other with your kisses, clothes on, nothing more ‘allowed’. This can get so hot & steamy, or really vulnerable and tender.
On day two it might evolve into touch focussed on one area of the body (specifically non-genital touch…). You might notice that your sexual energy builds - denial and limits can be such a turn on! The challenge is to not cave in, to not just go for the instant gratification.
The key factor here is to explore something simple every day, without the pressure or habit of that ‘cock in pussy’ goal. You’ll find you have to get a bit creative, you have to use some self-control but also some self-motivation to try something new.
2. STOP HAVING PEAK ORGASMS...
Remember the 2002 film, 40 Days & 40 Nights - where Josh Hartnett’s character chooses to abstain from any sexual contact for the duration of Lent? He ends up discovering a whole new experience of sex, relationship AND life! Contrary to the plot of that film though, I’m going to encourage you to stay connected to your sexual energy (although abstaining for the first 3-5 days can be helpful in keeping you out of the ‘danger zone’). Get as down & dirty as you want. Just don’t ejaculate or orgasm on your clitoris. Simple. Take a read of my blog article on the tantric approach to orgasm or sign up for The New Tantra 21 Day Challenge to get started.
Re-wiring your approach to pleasure in this way is incredibly powerful. For men in particular this can be an absolute game-changer. Retaining sexual energy in this way gives you more vitality, more discipline and more presence with your partner. It can also have hugely positive effects on erectile dysfunction issues and premature ejaculation issues. For women, when we stop squeezing and contracting into the thin corridor of pleasure that is clitoral orgasm, there can be amazing experiences of tension release in the pelvis, vaginal walls and cervix… opening up a whole new world of orgasmic sensation in the body.
This tantric practice also creates a massively important shift in HOW you have sex. Instead of sex being something that you do to 'get something' (i.e. an orgasm), it becomes an act where your shared intention is to surrender and open each other to the Divine. Rather than sex being essentially two people using each other to masturbate to a 'finish line', you open up the potential to discover each other in radical new ways.
3. HAVE BETTER SOLO-SEX...
Regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not, changing the way you masturbate can change your (sex) life. If you are comfortable experimenting, playing and challenging habits in your relationship to your own body & sexual pleasure then it becomes MUCH easier to apply the same approach to sex with a partner. Take time each week for some solo-sex: take some space & privacy and give yourself a massage, take a bath, play with a new toy, focus on exploring different sensations in one area of your body, practice experimenting with how you breathe, what sound and noise can do to enhance your experience of sensation, what moving your body or taking different positions can do for your orgasmic pleasure. Take a read through my blog articles ‘Top to Toe Touch’, ‘Touching Me, Touching You’ and ‘Self Pleasuring vs Masturbating’ for some inspiration. If you’re trying to reduce your dependence on porn for your arousal then take a read of my blog ‘Porn: are you addicted?’.
If you’ve never tried it before, I’d highly recommend a shared masturbation session with a willing partner. This can be intensely vulnerable, intimate, edgy and arousing. You might learn a thing or two about the way your partner likes to be touched by witnessing him/her during masturbation, and vice versa! The intention is not necessarily to ‘perform’ for the other, but to be present with your own pleasure in the presence of another. To honour and acknowledge each other as sexual beings, free from shame or judgement.
BETTER SEX STARTS TODAY...
These are just three simple options to start playing and experimenting with. Choose to focus on one, or try them all. Book a Couples Coaching Course or a series of individual sessions to help you with the first stage of changing your habits. Why not sign up for a Couples Massage Workshop to learn some great techniques for genital massage & touch.
If you have questions or want to know more about anything in this blog then just drop me an email on email@example.com
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