What is deep penetration/deep sex?
Deep penetration, or deep sex, is any sexual experience that includes direct stimulation of the cervix. There is no actual ‘penetration’ of the cervix involved: fingers/penises/dildos/vegetables 😉 will not actually pass through the opening of the cervix (the Os), they will only bump up against it, caress it, nudge it, tickle it and generally stimulate it through pressure and contact.
Many women (and men) are not aware that it’s possible to orgasm through contact on the cervix, in fact many women can imagine nothing worse than that feeling when a penis or dildo accidentally bashes up against the cervix during sex! I’ve experienced this MANY times in my life and it really is unlike any other pain I’ve ever felt. I, along with many other women I’m sure, even tended to avoid certain sex positions that would be more likely to result in deep penetration because I was afraid of that accidental ‘stabbing’. It’s true that the cervix can be a source of pain and discomfort if not touched properly, and you should never ignore pain during sex (read more about that in my blog article here), but deep sex doesn’t have to be something you avoid. Accessing the pleasure of deep penetration just comes down to preparation, position and communication.
Deep sex always hurts, right?
Wrong. It’s often just stored or held tension, and a lack of preparation and communication (i.e. the absence of relaxation and safety), that causes the ‘pain’ response. It’s commonly believed within somatic therapy circles, that most women tend to store or hold their stress and tension in this deep area of the body. Daily challenging emotions, stressful work and home lives, past traumas, fear of being penetrated before you’re really ready, uncomfortable tampons etc, negative body image, shame, anxiety, difficult labour/birth experiences, a history of UTI’s (urinary tract infections): all these things and more get ‘stored’ in the cervix, creating physical tension and suppressed emotions. My theory is that chronic pelvic tension and abdominal tension developed through stress, poor breathing patterns, and the body being in a perpetual state of ‘fight or flight’ render the smooth muscle of the pelvic bowl and cervix tight, defensive and/or numb. But, like any over-tense muscle or area of the body, the cervix can be relaxed and can increase its capacity for sensation. The tissue that your cervix is made of is designed to relax and open. The opening of the cervix can dilate wide enough to pass a baby through: the tissue is specifically organised to be able to stretch, soften and be malleable and supple. If that’s not enough to convince you, the cervix even has two direct neural pathways to the pleasure centre of the brain, where the clitoris only has one:
‘The pudendal nerve is the most important for sexual sensation, carrying signals from the clitoris in women and the penis in men…a single sensory nerve can carry information from several different parts of the crotch. In women, the pelvic nerve conveys touch signals from the labia minor, the vaginal walls, the anus, and the rectum…In women, sensations from the cervix and the uterus can also be conveyed by the hypogastric nerve as well as the cranial nerve called the vagus nerve, which travels directly to the brain stem, thereby bypassing the spinal cord entirely.’
How to prepare for deep penetration...
So, we’ve established that tension can be a limiting factor when it comes to experiencing pleasure from deep penetration. The best preparation for deep penetration therefore is patience, presence and relaxing massage. As the penetrating partner, it’s important to create an environment where your receiver can be as relaxed as possible, feel safe and trust that she can really let go. I would recommend spending at least 45 minutes in sensual full body massage and genital massage. You can learn about how to give genital massage in my online courses HERE. Don’t rush, let go of the ‘goal’ of achieving a cervical orgasm and be willing to just go with the flow of pleasure. A cervical orgasm probably won’t happen first time you try, it will take practice for your body to know how to access this deep pleasure.
Preparing the cervix for deep penetration...
STEP 1: You can begin by simply holding the tip of your finger, or the end of your penis/dildo, gently against the opening of the cervix. Breathe together, allow any initial tension to melt away. Place all your attention and awareness into your cervix (receiving partner) and the finger/penis/dildo (penetrating partner). This might be enough to generate a light tingling or throbbing sensation in your cervix. You might feel your pelvis relax, and the cervix sort of ‘drop down’. Many people experience numbness here, and that’s OK: see my point above that you probably won’t experience cervical orgasms on day 1! Re-wiring and re-sensitising the neural pathways here will take time. Something that can help is giving the very ‘loud’, very familiar pathway of the pudendal nerve a time-out so that new signals from your vagus and hypogastric nerve can be ‘heard’ by the brain. That means laying off the clitoral orgasms for a while. Check out the 21daychallenge for more information.
STEP 2: Start circling the finger/penis/dildo very slowly around the edges of the Os. You’ll know you’re touching the cervix if it feels a bit like the end of your nose, or an olive with the stone removed. Your cervix will feel different at different stages of your cycle and at different stages of your life. Being familiar with touching your own cervix is a big part of being able to relax and receive stimulation here. I encourage you to explore in your self-pleasuring. Begin with light pressure and gradually increase. If there’s any pain or discomfort on your cervix tell your partner and get them to hold still so you can return to step 1. Communication is vital here – this includes positive feedback when/if it feels good. Words are good, but raw vocal sounds are even better – ‘aaaah’, ‘voooo’ and humming sounds all stimulate the vagus nerve up in the larynx sending relaxing signals back down to the cervix.
STEP 3: Using either your index and middle finger in a ‘scissor shape’, or your thumb, index and middle fingers, gently ‘squeeze’ the cervix. Think of North & South, East & West. With the former you are massaging the anterior and posterior walls of her cervix, with the latter you’re connecting to the lateral sides. The anterior wall is the location of the fabled A-Spot/A-Zone. What you’re doing here is softening and relaxing the cone of the cervix that protrudes into the vaginal canal, allowing the connective soft tissue and smooth muscle to relax and engorge. This will mean less likelihood of experiencing that stabbing pain when you start to get a bit hornier and move to more enthusiastic thrusting and deep penetration, because the tissue is all warmed up and relaxed, not rigid and tight. Again, check in with your partner: ‘how does that feel babe: more pressure/less pressure?’, ‘Is there any pain? It’s OK, I’m just staying right here. Just send it out into my fingers/cock/dildo’ etc.
What is the best sex position for deep penetration...
So, your cervix is all post-massage soft, your vagus nerve is doing it’s thing and your body is tingling from the inside out…what next? My three top positions for deep penetration of the cervix are:
The Happy Clam...
Get into the ‘Happy Baby’ yoga pose, holding the backs of your knees or soles of the feet depending on how flexy you are OR rest the backs of your ankles/calves on your partner’s shoulders.Penetrating partner you can help out here by sliding your palm underneath her sacrum and supporting her pelvis. Alternatively pop some cushions under her sacrum. The weight of your body makes deep penetration effortless. Play with the angle: pointing your penis/dildo down to the floor will hit the cervix more than the G-spot.
Lie on your side with some pillows under your head so you can really relax. Penetrating partner, you straddle her lower leg, slip into her vagina and let her other leg rest on your hip. This is similar to ‘doggy style’, and you can really get deep to the cervix, but it has the added benefit of maintaining eye connection and intimacy. This is my favourite for cervix stimulation!
Standing Doggy Style...
Get into a hands and knees position on the end/edge of the bed, or ‘puppy pose’ where your chest is resting down (again, depends on your flexyness). Having a cushion under your chest is often comfortable. You can play with the angle of penetration by lowering/raising your chest, arching your back or lowering/raising your hips. Penetrating partner, this standing position is often easier on the knees and helps to keep you ‘grounded’ and balanced when all that horny orgasmic energy begins rushing around.
Are cervical orgasms possible?
Cervical orgasms are definitely possible but everyone is different. My nerve endings are organised differently to yours and the next person’s. Stimulation that works for me might not work for you or your partner. Naomi Wolf explains it well in her book ‘Vagina: A New Biography’:
‘For some women, a lot of neural pathways originate in the clitoris, and these women’s vaginas will be less ‘innervated’ – less dense with nerves. A woman in this group may like clitoral stimulation a lot, and not get as much from penetration. Some women have lots of innervation in their vaginas, and climax easily from penetration alone. Another woman may have a lot of neural pathway terminations in the perineal or anal area: she may like anal sex and even be able to have an orgasm from it, while it may leave a differently wired woman completely cold, or even in pain. Some women’s pelvic neural wiring will be closer to the surface, making it easier for them to reach orgasm; other women’s neural wiring may be more submerged in their bodies, driving them and their partners to need to be more patient and inventive, as they must seek a more elusive climax. Culture and upbringing definitely have a role in how you climax and can affect whether you climax easily or not, but that is not all there is to it. This discourse heaps vast unnecessary guilt and shame on millions of women or, conversely, depending on their tastes, leads them to feel slightly perverted… Whatever it is you like and need in bed – as a woman, with all that variability – these preferences may just be due to your physical wiring.’
However, there is no documented evidence to prove that normal variation in the genital nerves underlies differences in sexual sensations or experiences. Sensation and pleasure are a continual dialogue between the body and the brain and, thanks to our understanding of neural plasticity, we know that it is possible to ‘fire and wire’ neurons to build more comprehensive ‘maps’ in the brain through mindful and repeated touch and stimulation.
What does a cervical orgasm feel like?
For most people, the clitoral orgasm is the easiest and fastest route to orgasm. Generally that orgasm is most intensely felt in your genitals and lasts somewhere from 5-15 seconds. These pleasure signals are predominantly carried along the pudendal nerve which really only innervates in the muscles of the pelvic floor (including the anal sphincters), the clitoris and the labia.
Cervical orgasms are generally experienced as a more ‘full body’ orgasmic sensation, have a more gradual build up and tend to last much longer. A bit like a tsunami wave crashing, rather than the splash of throwing a stone into the ocean. This is because you’re reaching the brain via the vagus nerve which wanders around through your head, neck, abdomen, most major organs (including your heart) AND your cervix. Due to the nature of penetration you’re also not ONLY stimulating the vagus nerve: you’re rubbing up against the labia and the deep inner legs of the clitoris (pudendal nerve), you’re sliding along the walls of the vagina (pelvic nerve) and you’re thumping on the cervix (hypogastric nerve). You’re dining at the full orgasmic buffet rather than eating from the single-option set menu of the pudendal nerve pathway. Cervical orgasms can feel like your whole body has exploded with sensation: waves of hot and cold, goosebumps, tingling, involuntary shaking, vocal sounds you’ve never heard yourself make, waves of emotion, colours and visual distortions – the lot! There’s often also a far more extended ‘float down’ from this whole-body experience, rather than the immediate ping-back or energetic dip after a clitoral orgasm.
The bottom line is, your body is entirely unique: the adventure and joy is in discovering what does and doesn’t work for you, exploring and playing in whatever way you feel comfortable.
How can I learn to give and receive deep penetration?
To learn the art of intimate touch and genital massage you can sign up to my online courses or book an in-person couples coaching session. Knowing how to touch, relax and arouse your partners genitals, and knowing how to breathe, trust and receive are all key ingredients on the journey to deep sex.