Sex doesn't have to end in ejaculation...
The tantric approach to sex is about letting go of any goal, and intentionally avoiding the ‘peak’ orgasm (i.e. ejaculation and that feeling of involuntary clenching and spasming in your genitals).
The first time I heard this I was quite astonished. I’d spent my whole adult life until that point believing that the ‘purpose’ or ‘goal’ of sex was to get a man to ejaculate (and to hopefully have an orgasm myself). The only narrative I’d been given was that achieving those goals equalled successful or ‘good’ sex, and NOT achieving those goals meant that there was something wrong with me/him. When I look at that now it’s a narrative that’s really tainted with a kind of religious, Roman Catholic dogma of sex being sinful unless it’s for the purpose of pro-creation (i.e. ejaculation). Clearly my priests didn’t know either that you can enjoy sex as a goal-less, shame-free experience of pleasure, sensation and intimate connection that has the capacity to open your mind and body to altered states of consciousness…and doesn’t just end with a 5-10 second spasm release of semen.
Improve erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation...
This alternative narrative is really confusing – particularly for men. ‘Sex without cumming, what’s the point?!’ And look, if you are quite satisfied with your sexual experience right now and are cumming all the time then that’s fine, you don’t need to read any further. If you feel like there might be something more to it, or if you’re struggling with either premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction though, I’d urge you to consider the idea of abstaining from ejaculation whilst staying sexually active (i.e. you don’t have to become a monk). Here are some reported benefits of a non-cumming practice:
- Increases testosterone levels
- Improves mental focus and concentration
- Improves erectile dysfunction
- Improves premature ejaculation
- Potential to experience more ‘full body orgasms’ and ‘multiple orgasms’
- Prevents peaks and troughs of energy and mood – more hormonally stable and balanced
- Increased motivation and enthusiasm for life
- More meaningful relationships
- Improved body awareness
- Can help to address addictive patterns and tendencies at a very core level
Here are two great blog articles on the topic, written by Dr Robert Glover (author and pioneer of the ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ program – something I highly recommend to my male clients who want to work on their confidence, openness and integrity as men).
How to stop yourself before its too late? (Avoiding orgasm)
Why Don’t You Come Often?
Why women prefer Tantric lovers...
Even with all the above reasons, I understand it’s a difficult idea to get your head around…particularly if you don’t have an alternative practice to give a sense of ‘completion’ to your sexual interactions. When you first start practicing non-ejaculation it’s also unlikely that you’ll just suddenly start having full body orgasms…it takes time, discipline and practice to re-wire your body and brain away from the peak orgasm pathway and toward a more open, relaxed experience of orgasmic sensation. If you need a little motivation, here’s some explanations from myself, and other female friends on WHY it’s so, so hot to be with a tantric guy who doesn’t cum…
Is it dangerous to not ejaculate?
Let’s also answer the most common question that guys ask me when I tell them they could try a non-ejaculation practice…
‘Isn’t that dangerous?! Won’t it all get backed up and make my balls explode or something?!’
So, basically, no – it’s not dangerous. Unused sperm is broken down and reused by your body. It’s almost as if the body has a natural design plan to get you to retain that juice…how clever.
How is non-ejaculation different to edging?
The second most common question is around ‘edging’. The tantric approach to sex is different to edging. Edging just means that you delay ejaculation for as long as you can but you still have the goal of ejaculation in mind. It’s like spending Monday to Friday just sniffing the cakes and waiting until the weekend to shove them all in your mouth…A non-ejaculation practice means understanding that the cakes are not something you want to eat…sure you might sniff them from time to time but there’s no benefit to you in eating them.
Becoming a Tantric lover...
So, what can you do instead of ejaculating during masturbation or sex with your partner? I recommend taking a read through my blog article ‘The Wave: an alternative to peak orgasm and ejaculation’ for a simple practice you can start using today to help you become a Tantric lover.
If you have questions about non-ejaculation, the Tantric approach to sex and intimacy or anything else mentioned in this blog article let me know in the comments.
If you want to learn how to be more in tune with your arousal and master your ejaculation response through a series of virtual coaching sessions or in-person bodywork sessions then feel free to drop me an email on elizabeth@touchofhappiness.co.uk
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