The Orgasm Gap: Part 1 for Men

Is your female partner missing out on orgasms?

A male friend of mine recently shared with me his sadness, upon hearing from two of his guy friends, that their female partners never orgasm during sex. He reported that ‘the guys said it in a sort of ‘matter of fact’ way – like ‘yeah, that never happens for her, we just kind of live with it now’’. He asked me if this was a common experience for women. I had to gently break the truth to him (perhaps as I am breaking the truth to you now), that it is very common for women to experience this ‘orgasm gap’ during sex with a male partner. A survey by Durex, conducted in the Netherlands, suggests that 75% of women don’t orgasm during sex. Other figures from a 2020 study in the US suggested that only 39% of heterosexual women orgasm during sex, compared with 91% of heterosexual men. The same study also observed ‘a discrepancy between mens perceptions of if women orgasmed (85%) versus womens reports of their own orgasms (64%)‘. My anecdotal evidence, from working with thousands of men, women and couples, would tend to agree. It’s such an issue for my female clients that I’ve written three other blogs about it!

Deceptively simple steps to ensure your partner experiences orgasm

You might be thinking that my male friend must be incredibly deluded, or arrogant, to be surprised by this revelation. Perhaps he mistakenly believes that he has delivered earth shattering orgasms to every woman he has been with, when actually they’ve been faking? That’s quite far from the truth though – he is a Tantric practitioner and has worked hard emotionally, psychologically and spiritually to address a lot of his sexual issues. He’s unpicked a lot of the unconscious and limiting beliefs he was carrying about how to be a ‘good lover’, and what the deepest expression of sex and intimacy can be. He’s a humble, honest guy who has – through dedicated work, self-enquiry, communication with partners and his own physical practice – come to understand what it takes from him as a man to provide the space, the connection and a depth of trust that most women require in order to relax and surrender into their orgasmic potential. The things that he has learned through his practice, that mean that his partners do experience orgasm, are deceptively simple. If you want to know where to begin, to start understanding what you can do as a man to ensure your partners are not falling into the ‘orgasm gap’ then this four part series is a good place to start.

It's not about fancy techniques, and it's not all on you

Let me stress that this is not a series of ‘techniques’ to churn out on every woman you’re with that will somehow ‘magically’ result in an orgasm. A woman’s body is not a machine – it’s not a case of rigidly applying a certain amount of pressure, at a certain angle, for a certain duration and ‘hey presto’! You can certainly make sex a more pleasurable and orgasmic experience for your partner by asking her what kind of touch, stimulation or sensation works for her and then being absolutely present in your application of that. However, applying a ‘textbook technique’ just because you’ve read that it works doesn’t make you a good lover. It might not be what your partner actually wants or enjoys. It might have felt pleasurable for her last week, but that doesn’t mean it will feel pleasurable today. This series of blog articles will offer far more fundamental principles of being able to be present, to be unattached to outcome, to pay attention and to help create a connection and environment that allows your partner to relax and tap into her deepest expression of surrender and bliss: her orgasm.

This series is also not suggesting that it’s ‘all on you’ guys: sex is a duet. There may be many complex factors contributing to your partner’s inability to reach orgasm that she also needs to address. I suggest you, and she, also take a read through my three-part series for women ‘Why Can’t I Orgasm With A Partner?

Female orgasm

PART 1

Stop making sex about male orgasm: take ejaculation completely out of the equation

Most of us have inherited the narrative that sex is a goal-oriented activity, with the ‘finish line’ fixed at male ejaculation. We’re told (directly or indirectly) that the ‘purpose’, or measure of ‘success’, for sex is that the guy has cum. We see this in our religious conditioning, in the ‘money shot’ culture of porn and in pretty much all Hollywood depictions of intimacy and sex. However many, many cultures, civilisations and Spiritual lineages have long understood the benefits of avoiding ejaculation in order to cultivate sexual energy, life-force energy or ‘Qi’ that serves as the fuel for deeper and more expanded states of consciousness.

Most men, when asked how they would engage with sex if it wasn’t about their ejaculation answer ‘Well, I probably wouldn’t – what would be the point?’ or words to that effect… This narrow understanding of the potential of sexual intimacy is one of the biggest factors contributing to unsatisfying, superficial and unequal sexual pleasure. If you, as a man, are just using sex as a way to ‘blow your load’ (as you’ve been culturally trained to do), and are unwaveringly tied to that outcome, it’s very unlikely that your female partner is going to be able to experience any kind of depth of trust, relaxation, surrender and the orgasmic potential of her body. One of the world’s most renowned contemporary Tantra Teachers, David Deida, writes in his book ‘The Way of the Superior Man‘ (which I highly recommend):

When a man has no control over his ejaculation, he cannot meet his woman sexually or emotionally. She knows she can deplete him, weaken him, empty him of life force. When a man ejaculates easily, he creates ongoing distrust in his woman. At a subtle level, she feels he cannot be trusted. She, and the world, can deplete and depolarise him easily.

You won’t be willing to bypass ejaculation until you have experienced the much greater pleasures which lie beyond it. In the meantime, notice how you feel in the minutes and days following an ejaculation. If you have accumulated a lot of tension in your daily life, ejaculation will afford you with temporary release and relaxation. But as you live your life with more and more true purpose, you won’t accumulate so much tension during the day. Then, you will discover that ejaculation, for the most part, actually depletes and weakens you. It feels great for a few moments, but the price you pay for the genital sneeze of ejaculation is a much higher level of mediocrity in your daily life. You will find that you just don’t have the extra gusto necessary to live your life with utter impeccability. Excess ejaculations pave the road to living a good life, but not a great life.

In a subtle way, excess ejaculations will diminish your courage to take risks, professionally and Spiritually. You will settle for doing enough to get by, to be comfortable, but you will find that you would rather watch TV than write your novel, meditate or make that important phone call. You will have enough motivation to live a decent life, but ejaculations drain you of the ‘cutting through’ energy that is necessary to pierce your own wall of lethargy and slice through the obstructions that arise in the world.

Your woman can feel all of this. She may be sexually turned on by making you ejaculate. It may please her in the short run. She may even say she feels sexually unfulfilled if you don’t ejaculate. But there is also a deeper part of her that has never been sexually fulfilled by you because of your tendency to ejaculate frequently and soon. Most women can experience many orgasms, and deeper and deeper orgasms. And more importantly, most women have a natural connection between their genitals and their heart. When you ejaculate and lose your erection, you are probably depriving your woman of her fullest capacity of heart reception and expression, which is evoked by relaxed, loving, watery hours of your fearless and un-stressful genital penetration.

This means that if you, as a man, continue to fold to the egoic agenda of your ‘quick-fix’ ejaculation, rather than stepping into your mastery, discipline and depth as a masculine man, you are truncating your female partner’s ability to access anything more than a surface, superficial experience of sex. If your woman experiences you as ‘weak’ and only ever going for the ‘sneeze’ of an ejaculation as the sole purpose of your intimacy together, she will never be able to fully trust that you have the capacity to open her body up in any way that is required for her to relax, surrender and dissolve into deep and full-bodied orgasmic pleasure. To witness a woman in this state of genuine orgasmic bliss is infinitely more beautiful, connecting and meaningful than the 5-10 second spasm of an ejaculatory orgasm. Do you want one small, tasteless cookie immediately now; or do you want to wait and be rewarded with tables, upon tables of the most delicious desserts, pastries, delicacies and flavours you have ever experienced?!

Female orgasm requires time, relaxation and trust

On a more physiological level, a woman’s body takes longer than yours to reach orgasm. Our build up is longer and slower, but the plateau and afterglow are often more sustained. Sometimes there is a tendency to have one ‘main’ orgasm and multiple ‘mini-orgasms’ soon after. We are slowly shifting tectonic plates that result in earthquakes and after-shocks, you are more like a bolt of lightning that finds the quickest route to the ground. So if the goal of your lovemaking is that you will ejaculate, your woman probably will just never be given the time her body needs to relax – you will always be cutting her off short. Women have the potential to reach orgasm through 4 different neural pathways – the pudendal nerve, the pelvic nerve, the hypogastric nerve and the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve in particular, which results in full-body orgasmic experiences that can last up to 20 minutes (trust me, I’ve experienced it) is reached through stimulating the cervix – something that takes a great deal of time, relaxation and awareness. If you are approaching sex as an act that is supposed to culminate in your ejaculation you will not have the mastery or stamina to offer this depth of penetration to your woman.

Become the master of your arousal

If you can learn to master your addiction to cumming, your lovemaking will inevitably last longer. Learning to separate the physical reaction of ejaculation from your experience of orgasmic sensation can support you in overcoming erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, meaning that you will be able to make love for longer in a more relaxed way, and allow your female partner the space she needs to surrender and let go.

So, guys, I challenge you to consider what might be possible for you and your partner if you begin to consider the idea that sex doesn’t end in ejaculation. I would highly recommend reading the David Deida book mentioned above, along with ‘50 Misconceptions of Sex’ by Alexa Vartman. You can also join the 21 Day Challenge set up by The New Tantra and have access to a community of like-minded people who are trying to grow and improve their experience of sex, intimacy and connection.

As always, if you have questions, or this blog sparks your curiosity, you can get in touch to book virtual or in-person sessions on elizabeth@touchofhappiness.co.uk

With Love,

Libby

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