The Orgasm Gap: Part 3 for Men

Learn to masturbate in a Tantric or mindful way

The way you touch yourself translates to how you touch your partner and how present you are with her. The most common complaint I hear from women, about the way men touch their bodies, is that it’s too heavy, too fast and lacks subtlety. In my experience this springs directly from the fact that most guys masturbate using the ‘death grip’ and have little to no subtlety or nuance in their touch. Think about it: would you touch your partner they way you touch yourself? Perhaps you do touch your partner the way you touch yourself, and that’s the problem…Or perhaps you’ve never given any kind of attention or thought to the way you touch yourself or your partner…

Continuing on from the second part of this series, and knowing that women’s bodies generally need more oxytocin releasing touch and connection in order to relax and access orgasmic states, would you say that you practice exploring, caressing and playing with your own full body during masturbation? If not, how do you expect to be able to explore, caress and play with your partner’s body in a confident way? If you are making love to your woman in the same way, with the same quality of touch, and the same distracted approach that you use during your masturbation it is unlikely you will be offering her the variety and subtlety of sensation that she might need in order to relax and let go.

Mindful masturbation

Mindful masturbation is your practice ground

Learning to masturbate more mindfully, with more presence, playfulness and care will help you to be more sensitive and aware as a lover. Masturbation is a wonderful opportunity to train yourself to slow down, to breathe more deeply and be aware of your body sensations. It is a playground to practice mastery of your arousal and to understand your body’s subtle signals that will help you to know when you are close to the ‘point of no return’ during partnered sex. Awareness and understanding of your arousal levels is vital if you want to be able to move away from the ‘goal oriented’ approach to sex. Knowing where your ‘point of no return’ is, and what that actually feels like in terms of physical sensation, so that you can relax and regulate your body reaction is essential if you want to be able to fuck for longer and allow your partner to feel safe enough to really relax and let go. Every single man I know who has really addressed his relationship with masturbation (and learned to use it as a tool for growth and deeper embodiment and empathy), has commented on the wonderful side effect of being able to connect more deeply with partners.

Learning about mindful masturbation

The mindful approach to masturbation is different to ‘having a wank’. It’s not the typical unconscious approach of using masturbation as a procrastination tool, or as a way to get a quick ‘feel good’ fix, or as a way to relieve stress or get to sleep at night. It often doesn’t end in ejaculation, it doesn’t result in achieving a goal, and it requires you to not always just do the same things, in the same way to your body, in order to get the same result. Instead, it’s an invitation to learn, to explore and to focus primarily on sensation in your body (rather than say, fantasies in your mind or the external stimulation of porn). For some inspiration on how you can start a more mindful practice of masturbation check out my blog ‘Tantric Masturbation: A Beginners Guide’, watch my ‘Masturbation Minis’ series on YouTube or sign up for my Sensual Sundays guided classes.

As always, if you have questions, or this blog sparks your curiosity, you can get in touch to book virtual or in-person sessions on elizabeth@touchofhappiness.co.uk

With Love,

Libby

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