The Orgasm Gap: Part 4 for Men

Acknowledgement and dialogue

Talking about sex can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, but if you can’t talk about it it’s possible that you’re not really emotionally ready to do it. Many of us grew up with a complete lack of dialogue around sex, intimacy and our bodies, and yet sex was something that we were supposed to just know how to do somehow…This means that for many women there is a deep layer of conditioning – uncertainty, shame, judgement, lack of experience and knowledge etc – around our experience and expression of sexuality. The idea of truly letting go, being seen and witnessed in our carnal expression of orgasm comes with many negative associations: ‘I will be too much’, ‘I will look ugly’, ‘It’s not ladylike’, ‘Enjoying sex means I am a slut’, ‘I’ll sound weird’, ‘What if I pee myself?!’, ‘He won’t respect me if I’m loud and lose control’, ‘Oh my God, what if I cry!?!’, ‘Maybe I’m weird and other women don’t look/sound/orgasm this way…’ , ‘If I let go of control I will be humiliated’ and so many more. These are genuine thoughts that I have either had myself, or heard from female friends and clients!

Talk about the elephant in the room

Acknowledging that there might be a gap in your experience of orgasm and hers is an important conversation. It might feel difficult or vulnerable to discuss, but talking about what you both need and want from sex is a sure-fire way to make the whole thing feel emotionally ‘safer’, and deepen the experience for both of you. So, ask your partner what her experience of orgasm has been like – on her own, with other partner(s) and with you. Talk about it. Ask her to describe what holds her back, what feels good and what doesn’t. Acknowledge that she can show you her fullest, deepest, most hidden depths of passion, emotion and pleasure, and mean it. Hearing the words ‘I love it when you completely let yourself go and I get to see all your wildness and your pleasure’ certainly helped me to understand that my surrender, emotionality and explosiveness wasn’t going to be met with panic, horror or judgement!

Orgasm with a partner

How to talk about sex

One simple tip for having ‘difficult’ conversations about sex is to have them outside the bedroom. Set time aside to connect and talk: much in the same way that you might have a ‘review’ at your workplace. The act of sitting down and asking each other ‘Hey you, beautiful person, what’s working for you in our intimate life right now, and what isn’t?’ or opening up about the elephant in the room ‘Hey you, beautiful person, I notice that you might be holding yourself back a bit during sex and I want to know how I can help you to feel more relaxation and pleasure’ can be a profound opening into deeper intimacy and understanding. One practice I suggest is that you adopt the ‘active listening’ approach rather than slipping into a more habitual conversation dynamic. In the latter we are often listening in order to respond, not actually hearing what our partner is saying. In active listening, you set a timer (3, 5, 10 minutes etc) and during that time one person has the floor to speak and share on the topic. The other simply listens. If the person speaking expresses emotion, the other does not interrupt, react or try to ‘fix’ it: they simply listen and are present. You switch round so both have space to share and open up.

Walk your talk

Back up your words and conversation by truly becoming trustworthy. Embody the steps in this series: remove the focus on your own ejaculation and let go of your own agenda, learn to play and explore her body, change your masturbation habits. If you are really invested in these foundation principles there will be a sense of safety and connection in your relationship that your woman can relax into. Of course, it is also your partner’s responsibility to work on these things for herself, to address her own unconscious beliefs, conditioning and relationship with sex and intimacy. Great sex, deeply connected and expansively orgasmic sex, is a dance between you. Ultimately her orgasm, her body, are her realm. You are not giving her an orgasm, and to think so is egoic. You can only be responsible for working on yourself, and for stepping into your relaxed, mature masculine energy that will allow her to truly let go.

As always, if you have questions, or this blog sparks your curiosity, you can get in touch to book virtual or in-person sessions on elizabeth@touchofhappiness.co.uk

With Love,

Libby

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