What do women want?
Guys, have you ever wondered what you could do to satisfy your woman in bed? Do you want to know what we really desire, the things that really turn us on, and that we wish men would do more of in bed? There is no ‘one-size fits all’ secret to unlocking a woman’s deepest surrender and pleasure, but I asked my female friends, lovers and clients to share the things they wish that their men would do more of in bed. These are the things that women really want but have perhaps not been able to communicate effectively to you – or that they have told you, but you’ve not really listened to. Honestly, some of these things are so simple you won’t believe it – number 10 in particular is a game changer. Unfortunately though, guys tend to over complicate matters and focus on performance rather than presence. I think this is a really toxic side effect of porn viewing, male bravado and the pretty inadequate ‘sex education’ that many of us received growing up.
This blog started off as ‘5 things women want men to do in bed’ but it quickly escalated! Please remember that every woman is different – don’t just apply these tips in a robotic fashion, expecting some pre-conceived idea of a ‘result’. Women are not IKEA furniture. The best way to understand what your partner wants more of, or less of, in bed is to talk about it with her. However, I’ve tried to categorise the feedback I received to give you 10 general pointers that, if applied, will create a really noticeable difference in the pleasure, satisfaction and connection you and your partner(s) experience.
1. Slow down
This really was the most common request across the board. In particular, women really want you to slow down at the start of sex. As one friend put it: ‘I wish men were better at the slow sex part before they start banging away’. So often in porn, sex is portrayed as this fast, rabbit-fucking experience. That might look intense and exciting on camera, but it doesn’t necessarily feel good in real life. Moving slower gives you, and her, more time to actually feel the sensations that are happening in your body. Slow is sensual, slow is intense, slow is tempting and teasing. My Tantric Gigolo friends have a great tip here: keep your hornyness level always a little below hers, and gently nudge her towards really wanting your cock. Slowing down also applies to your breath, your movements, your touch and your awareness. Learning to stay connected to your own body (rather than rush off with the chatter and thoughts in your mind) will allow you to respond to what is actually happening in her body, rather than racing towards some pre-conceived idea of what ‘should’ be happening.
2. Be present
What do women find most arousing in a man? Here’s a hint – it’s not muscles, money, a giant cock or a nice smile. The thing that gets us really horny is your complete and total presence. When we can feel that you are right there in the moment – not distracted by thoughts, goals, expectations or your phone. If you are present and paying attention we feel seen, we feel held…and that means we feel safe. When we feel safe we can surrender and share all of our femininity with you, no holes barred. If you are off up in your head, thinking about your own sexual performance, stressing about how well you’re doing or having your attention pulled in different directions, we simply don’t feel connected to you…and we long for that connection. Your ability to be present is a masculine discipline. It takes practice. Daily meditation, time spent engaging with your physical body and training your mind to focus, regular therapy to address your emotional and psychological issues, accountability through connection with other men – all these are vital in cultivating your ability to be present.
3. Communicate more
Ask us what we like or don’t like; tell us what you like and don’t like. Women will trust you more if you are able to be vulnerable and communicate openly. Talk to us about sex and intimacy outside the bedroom, share your insecurities and your desires. Ask questions, listen to our answers. Remember that we also want to pleasure you, and it’s easier to do that if you guide us, share with us and feel confident in your own body.
4. Stop stressing about your erection
Now this is one that I know is a really difficult hurdle to get over for a lot of guys. Again, the unrealistic and (frankly) harmful myths perpetuated by porn mean that most of you seem to think that without an eternally hard cock you’re just ‘doing sex wrong’. Women want you to focus less on penetration and more on everything else. And by the way, if you do that it’s likely that the relaxation in your body will result in an erection anyway…Here’s what some women had to say about it:
- ‘I would like for my partner to explore more playfulness and to stay away from the “standard” list of actions.’
- ‘I wish they were less orgasm focussed – on their own orgasm and mine – and would just enjoy the play.’
- ‘Touch me more! My whole body! Let go of the cock in pussy fixation.’
When you limit yourself with the belief that sex is all about your penis you’re generally going to be rushing to get to that bit, and you’re not present because you’re fixated on what’s happening in your pants (rather than following the energy and enjoying our bodies). Expand your sexual repertoire and learn about intimate massage, talk to your partner about exploring some light BDSM, discuss fantasies and role plays, consider the option of reversing the polarity and have her play with your anus, explore ‘clothes on’ sex and set limits. There is so much to explore and the stress about your erection is holding you back.
5. Laugh and use humour
A lot of women I spoke to wanted guys to take themselves less seriously in sex. If you’re willing to have fun, be silly and make mistakes we feel way more relaxed with you. Sex is a vulnerable experience for all involved, some light humour can be used to great effect. This doesn’t mean we want you to launch into a stand up routine mid-fuck, and it doesn’t mean you should hide behind your humour, but let go of the seriousness from time to time and you’ll see that we open up to you in a completely different way.
6. Be a bit rough with us from time to time
Many women long to be dominated, to feel your strong and loving masculinity. Let’s be clear that this doesn’t mean they want to feel humiliated or abused, but many women commented that their male partners have often been afraid to use their full weight, body connection or strong pressure during sex. Being present, caring and consensual is (obviously) vital…but being timid is just not horny. One woman put it really succinctly: ‘hold me like I am precious and fuck me raw’. Something I recommend to a lot of guys is to start some kind of wrestling or jiu jitsu practice – this gives you an embodied understanding of how to use your weight and strength to great effect.
7. Touch more of our bodies, don't just go straight for boobs and genitals
I’ve been with plenty of lovers where I could literally time with Swiss-clock accuracy their progress from kissing me, to touching my boobs, to trying to get their fingers/cock in my pussy. And that was it for their repertoire of foreplay. Our whole bodies are wired for pleasure guys, the more skin you stimulate the more our brains light up, the more oxytocin is released, the more relaxed we become and the more likely we are to be able to access deeper, full body orgasmic states. Check out my ‘Pleasure Mapping’ blog for some inspiration on how to explore the whole body.
This applies to so many aspects of intimacy and sex:
- The energy of the encounter: soft and tender, strong and dominant, playful and silly, slow and sensual, fast and lustful, you in your submissive, primal and animalistic…there are so many possibilities. We want to be surprised. We want you to vary the mood and energy within the encounter as well; don’t always keep it the same from start to finish.
- Being willing to try new things: different positions, different toys, different locations. Don’t just follow a routine. Being present in the moment will allow you to adapt and go with what is actually needed.
- The way you touch our bodies. A man who is adept with touch is like crack for our horny bodies. You don’t need to be a trained masseuse, but equipping yourself with some basic knowledge in how to touch will give you a big advantage.
It’s great that you know what we like, or what works for us, but if that’s the only thing you ever do it gets a bit boring.
9. Talk dirty to us
The female brain is more sensitive to auditory stimulation than the male brain. Our brains love your dirty talk, we love to hear words of appreciation and encouragement during sex, we light up when you whisper in our ears. Fucktalk is a skill, it takes practice. It’s also really difficult to do if you’re taking yourself too seriously (see tip 5). Here are a few simple tips to get you started:
- Say what you see and keep it to the now: ‘your body looks so hot’, ‘I love how you open your legs like that’, ‘yeah, you can show me how horny you are’ etc.
- Don’t go into stories (unless you know it’s a really specific fantasy that we love).
- Don’t be derogatory or abrasive (unless it’s an agreed part of a BDSM scene).
- Let the words make you horny too, if you’re not feeling it we won’t either.
10. Be more expressive
This was a big complaint from most of the women I spoke to. We want to hear you express your hornyness, your joy, your pleasure. We want to hear your moans, we want to see your body moving, we want enthusiastic guidance in whether you like what we’re doing! We hate it when you’re quiet, or when you show us nothing of yourself and just seem to be in a performance based mindset of chasing orgasm (yours or ours). If you are deeply relaxed in your own body it helps us to relax too. Let us play with your bodies too, so we can see and hear you relaxing.
There are probably other, more specific, things that your female partners would enjoy more of – some women love it when you nibble their ears, some totally hate it – the only way you’ll ever know is if you ask them. This list should hopefully give you an idea of some fundamental principles that will allow you both to relax and enjoy sex and intimacy. With these in place you can confidently explore the completely limitless range of female sexuality! Remember, if you have questions about any of the above, you can share in the comments or email me directly on firstname.lastname@example.org