Why condoms are great - and why they sometimes ruin the mood
If you find that you always lose your erection when you put on a condom during sex, you’re not alone. This is a common complaint I hear from my male clients, friends and lovers. Condoms are, undoubtedly, a wonderful piece of kit and should definitely be used if you’re having casual sex, if you have multiple partners, or if you’re not ready to be a parent. Condoms are the only contraceptive method that also helps prevent HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis, herpes, HPV, trichomoniasis, and more. They reduce STI transmission even during oral and anal sex, where many other methods offer no protection. Using a condom can show respect for a partner’s health and boundaries. Talking about condom use encourages open sexual communication, which strengthens intimacy and safety in a relationship. Condoms are easy to get hold of (free from clinics, or cheap in shops), discreet, and require no prescription. Unlike hormonal birth control, condoms have no impact on mood, weight, libido, or menstrual cycles. There are many other benefits to condom use but they can also present a problem when it comes to erections, how much you can actually feel, and therefore your relaxation and enjoyment of sex. But, never fear, I’ve got some great tips to help you feel more at one with your condoms.
The condom moment: the erection killer
The donning of a condom can be a frustrating interruption to sex. It’s happened to me quite a few times during intimate encounters over the years. We’ve been enjoying some awesome foreplay and everything is really yummy, the guy has a hard cock and then this moment of penetration comes up and ‘argh!’ He starts fumbling around for a condom, getting stuck in that process, and his focus gets taken away from his body, away from the connection with me, and suddenly his cock is not so hard anymore. If this sounds familiar to you guys, if you’ve ever been in that situation, you’ll probably know that you then get totally distracted and in your head. Maybe you start over-focussing on the goal of getting hard again, you start falling into performance anxiety patterns, and the whole thing just spirals out of your control. If you’re lucky, you might stay hard enough to quickly get the condom on in a massive rush, but you’re soon dealing with a deflating erection, a lack of sensation, and the belief that it’s all the condom’s fault. So let’s look at how you can turn this around, and make condoms a fun and effective part of sex.
1. Slow down and relax your body
It’s common, at that point of penetration, to get a little bit panicked and try and get the condom sorted in a hurry. It’s likely you stop breathing, clench up your body and just disconnect from relaxation. So be aware of keeping your breath slow and full – inhaling through your nose and exhaling gently through your mouth. Keep your belly, shoulders and jaw relaxed. Allowing yourself to slow down and take your time with it can make it quite fun for your partner as well. You can turn it into a teasing and tantalising moment: I remember clearly a lover who would draw the whole thing out and humorously ask me ‘Oh, you want this now do you? Well maybe I’ll just take a little longer before I start fucking you…’ – it was very arousing!
2. Don't lose connection
I’ve seen so many guys just disappear into their heads whilst getting the condom organised. This loss of connection negatively affects your partner, but you’re also missing a simple trick to ensure you stay aroused. One of my Tantric gigolo friends assures me that he never loses his hard-on when putting on a condom because he directs, or encourages, his partner to start touching or playing with themself whilst he’s doing it. Letting yourself enjoy the visuals keeps your awareness outwards (not in your little monkey-mind), which can maintain your arousal, and keeps you engaged with your partner.
3. Be prepared
Always have a couple of condoms nearby, within easy reach, before you start going into foreplay. Just because they’re there doesn’t mean you have to have sex, but as a previous boyfriend of mine always used to say – ‘I’d rather be looking at it, than looking for it’. If you really want to make things as smooth as possible, don’t just have them sat there in the packet: tear them open and push them out of the packet a little bit. When the moment comes you can just reach out, pull the condom out easily and slide it straight on. Avoiding all that fumbling around with getting the fiddly wrapper open keeps your focus on your body, and your partner, and makes everything smoother and easier.
4. Practice during masturbation
Most guys masturbate and touch themselves without a condom, so your body learns to associate arousal and pleasure with the sensation of no condom. I’ve heard many guys complain that they then ‘can’t feel anything’ if they wear a condom during sex (which can lead to a loss of erection and less of a pleasurable experience). If you’re practicing safe sex (which I encourage) then wouldn’t it make sense to be more familiar with the sensation of touch and stimulation through the condom? So, make it a regular practice during masturbation to get aroused, get hard – and then practice putting on the condom and continuing your masturbation with the condom on. You could also invest in a Fleshlight and turn masturbation into an even more effective training ground. The sensation of the condom will become more familiar, you’ll be able to tune into more sensation and you’ll be less likely to lose your erection when you’re with a partner.
5. Make sure you're wearing the right brand and size for you
This could be an amazingly simple adjustment that could make a huge amount of difference. Penises come in all shapes and sizes (believe me, I’ve seen literally thousands of them). The idea that the binary option of ‘regular’ or ‘large’, available from the leading condom brands, will provide a comfortable fit for you is like assuming shoes only come in ‘tiny’ or ‘clown sized’. An ill-fitting condom could:
- restrict blood flow if it’s too tight (causing loss of erection)
- cause discomfort if it’s too small (distracting you from pleasure)
- create mental anxiety that it will fall off because it’s too loose (distracting you from relaxation)
There are so many more condom brands out there than just Durex or Pasante (the top 2 brands in the UK). For example, I was introduced to ‘MySize’ condoms by a lover who had a very girthy, but not so long, penis. They come in different millimetre sizings, making them much more bespoke and likely to fit well. For more brands and options check out www.condoms.uk – try out some different options during your masturbation practice and eventually, just like Cinderella and the glass slipper, you’ll find your perfect fit.
Wrap it up (literally and figuratively)
Condoms shouldn’t be the enemy of pleasure – they’re just misunderstood. With a little preparation, practice and playfulness, they can be seamlessly woven into your sexual rhythm without deflating the mood (or anything else). Think of them not as a chore, but as part of the dance: a little pause to tease, breathe, and build anticipation. Your cock deserves to feel safe and satisfied – and that’s exactly what a well-fitted, well-handled condom can help you achieve.
If you want to learn more about mindful masturbation, and how to use it as a practice ground for partnered sex, then check out my online course: a comprehensive guide filled with follow-along video practices and inspiration for taking masturbation from boring and routine to exciting and fulfilling!
With Love,
Libby
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