A beginner's guide to kinky sex

Are you into kinky sex?

Clients often tell me that they enjoy full body massage sessions because they ‘feel a bit kinky’ – especially if the session includes anal or prostate massage. For a lot of people there’s also something a little kinky about paying for an intimate experience – it’s exciting and a bit taboo. A kinky sexual experience can mean different things to different people, and can play out along a broad spectrum. In my experience, ‘kinky’ can basically be any intimate act that utilises aspects of fantasy, role play and/or polarity and power dynamics, and that isn’t limited to penis-in-vagina sex. Examples of kinky sex might be: acting out sexual fantasies; using toys like butt plugs, floggers or pussy pumps; using restraints, blindfolds or bondage; involving extra people – threesomes, group sex etc. The fact that the erotic literature series ’50 Shades of Grey’ sold in excess of 165 million copies (and counting), suggests to me that a lot of people are probably a little bit kinky!

What's the difference between a kink and a fetish?

A kink is something that you enjoy adding to your intimate experiences, as opposed to a fetish, which suggests you are dependent on that idea/experience for your sexual arousal and enjoyment and cannot experience sexual satisfaction without it.

You could describe a kink as a sexual preference that falls outside the typical boundaries of what society deems ‘normal’ (though ‘normal’ can vary depending on your culture, age, media influences etc). A fetish could be considered more of a need that an individual has in relation to their sexual arousal.

Fetishes can sometimes feel troublesome or overwhelming to the individual, and are sometimes (but not always) rooted in childhood trauma. Essentially, the brain seeks to recreate elements of the trauma to reprocess it; to try to gain control of a past situation where you had no control.

What are the misconceptions about kinky sex?

It’s abnormal, pathological or only for psychologically troubled people: This is generally based on quite restrictive views of sexual expression. Most people who engage in BDSM and other kink activities are mentally healthy and well-adjusted. It’s simply a different form of sexual expression. Some think kinky sex is only for certain types of people, such as those who are hypersexual or “deviant”. Kink crosses all demographics, including age, gender, sexual orientation, and socio-economic status.

It’s all about pain: Kinky sex often gets equated solely with painful activities. While some kink activities can focus on pain sensations, most encompass a wide variety of practices, many of which do not involve pain at all, such as role-playing, bondage, or sensory play.

It’s always rough and aggressive: In reality, the intensity varies widely, and many people engage in very gentle and subtle kink activities.

It’s only about sex: Kinky activities are not always about sexual gratification. Many people find emotional fulfilment, intimacy, and personal expression through kink. For some, the psychological aspects, such as power dynamics, are more significant than the physical acts.

Lack of consent: Some believe that kinky sex lacks consent or is coercive. In reality, consent is a cornerstone of responsible kink and BDSM. Negotiating boundaries and establishing safe words is commonplace to ensure that everyone is comfortable and consensual.

It’s not for women: There is a misconception that kinky sex is dominated by men and not suitable for women. In truth, many women participate in and enjoy kink, taking on a variety of roles, from dominant to submissive and everything in between.

It’s dangerous: While there are risks involved in any sexual activity, responsible kink practitioners take numerous precautions to ensure safety, such as using safe words, educating themselves on best practices, and maintaining open communication with their partners.

What are the benefits of trying kinky sex?

It’s liberating: Engaging in kinky sex can be a profoundly liberating experience for many people. It allows you to explore aspects of your sexuality that might not fit into traditional norms or expectations. This freedom can lead to a greater sense of self-acceptance and confidence. By breaking away from societal taboos and embracing your desires, there can be a sense of empowerment and liberation, which can positively affect other areas of your life.

It can be fun and playful: Kinky sex often incorporates elements of play and fantasy, making it an enjoyable and entertaining experience. Role-playing, costumes, and toys can add a playful dimension to your sexual encounters, allowing you to experiment and enjoy each other’s company in creative and light-hearted ways. This playfulness can enhance intimacy and keep the sexual relationship dynamic and exciting. I’ve personally learned to embrace silliness and laughter during intimacy, through my explorations with kink! This can be really profound for anyone who struggles with performance anxiety in sex.

It broadens your experience of sensations: Kinky sex can introduce a wide range of new sensations and experiences. From the gentle touch of feathers to the sting of a flogger, the variety of stimuli can heighten physical awareness and pleasure. This exploration can lead to discovering new erogenous zones and types of stimulation that you might not have encountered in more conventional sexual activities. In my personal kink explorations I’ve discovered things like the pinwheel, ‘wrestling’ play and nuru gel – all completely delicious and very different sensations!

It helps develop communication: Effective communication is a cornerstone of healthy kinky sex. Through kink and BDSM I’ve learned so much about discussing boundaries, desires, and consent clearly and openly. This level of communication can strengthen trust and understanding within your relationship(s), which often leads to a deeper emotional connection. These skills can carry over into other aspects of your relationship, enhancing overall communication and problem-solving abilities.

It can be empowering and offer an opportunity to be in a different role: Kinky sex can provide a space for you to explore different roles and dynamics, such as dominance, submission, or switching between roles. This role-play can be empowering, allowing you to express sides of yourself that you might not show in everyday life. This can be hugely relaxing and recharging – especially if you are always in the ‘doing mode’ during intimacy.

It can take pressure off penetrative sex and add variety to your sex life: By focusing on activities beyond penetrative sex, kinky sex can alleviate the pressure to perform or achieve certain outcomes, such as orgasm through intercourse. This variety can make sex more diverse and less goal-oriented, allowing you to enjoy the journey rather than just the destination. It can also be particularly beneficial for people who experience discomfort or difficulty with penetration.

It can carry lower risk of STI’s: Many kinky activities, such as bondage, sensory play, or role-playing, do not involve penetration, which can reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs). By exploring non-penetrative forms of intimacy, you can enjoy a fulfilling sexual experience with potentially lower health risks. However, it’s still important to practice safe sex and communicate openly about STI status and prevention methods when engaging in any sexual activity.

Tips to get started with kinky sex

Find out how kinky you are: The BDSM Test is a fun and educational test to determine what kind of kinkster you are. It was founded in 2014 with as its main mission to make a simple, accessible test to help beginning kinksters gain some insights into what practices you might like or dislike, what roles you might more naturally lean towards and what might be a boundary for you.

Removing one sense: Limiting sight (with a blindfold) or hearing (with headphones) can be a simple and safe way to begin with kinky sex. Both options will dial up their awareness of your touch and require them to drop into a deeper state of trust and surrender.

Sensory play: Experimenting with different textures and temperatures can be a gentle way to explore new sensations. Play with feathers, ice cubes or a pinwheel. My partner loves it when I take a big sip of warm tea before going down on him – the heat can feel incredible!

Using restraints: Don’t go straight for ropes or silk ties, they can be fiddly to undo quickly and you risk tying them too tight. Soft leather handcuffs are a comfortable, pleasurable alternative – easy to put on and take off quickly. Again, this can intensify the sense of trust and vulnerability for the restrained partner, and gives you space to explore some really fun power dynamics.

How to be safe when exploring with kinky sex

It might feel a bit awkward or clunky at first, to talk about the details of kinky sex, but believe me – you will have a much better, more pleasurable and relaxed time if you ‘set the container’ before you dive into anything.

Do it sober: I know it might seem ‘so much easier’ to get a bit kinky when you’re drunk or high, but ultimately if you’re in an altered state or under the influence of alcohol or drugs, your decision making capabilities are inhibited. So, talk about the hard and soft limits in advance and start gently. If you’re sober there’s less of a chance you’ll do something you don’t really want to do, get physically hurt and regret something/feel ashamed afterwards.

Discuss and agree your ‘menu’ in advance: Anything that is a ‘no’ in advance shouldn’t then be added during play (e.g. if your partner says no to anal penetration when you discuss boundaries but then asks for it in the moment – always stick to the original menu to avoid any violations of consent or later feelings of regret). Anything that is a ‘yes’ in advance can always become a ‘no’ once you start playing (being able to change your mind and take things off the menu is a key element of consent). Be detailed about your boundaries and limits, for example:

covering my eyes OR mouth is ok, but not both together.
slapping/spanking my butt and thighs is OK but not my face.
I want to explore the role play of me as a naughty student and you as a teacher, I want you to be really strict with me but please only call me a ‘bad student’ not a ‘bad girl/boy’.
I really like the idea of all these new sensory toys but I want to be able to try them on myself a little bit first before you use them on me.

Agree a safe word: This should ideally be something outside of the anticipated narrative of what you’re doing – like watermelon or rooftop. Using this means that you’re overwhelmed, or something is too uncomfortable/painful to continue. Everything has to stop completely, the play has to end and you need aftercare. Alternatively a ‘traffic light system’ is helpful i.e. ‘red’ means ‘stop the thing you’re doing’ (but not necessarily the play/scene), ‘amber’ means ‘I’m very near my limit please please keep it at this intensity or less’. If you’re using restraints or gags, and a verbal safe word won’t be possible, then find a non-verbal option such as the double hand tap, or releasing an object from their hand so it drops and makes a noise on the floor.

Communicate regularly: Whoever is in the leading/dominant/doing role is responsible for regularly checking in to gauge their partner’s state. The receiving partner is responsible for honestly sharing their boundaries. A professional Dominant once told me that if he never heard my ‘No’ he wouldn’t be able to trust my ‘Yes’, and that has really stuck with me. Just because you’re caught up in the passion and intensity of an experience doesn’t mean that communication stops.

Remember to incorporate aftercare: If you’ve been in any kind of power dynamic situation – bondage/role play/impact play etc – include a simple gesture that restores the balance. This can be as simple and symbolic as the ‘dominant’ person saying ‘I return your power, which you lovingly and freely entrusted to me’. Cuddle and connect; give yourselves a bonding dose of oxytocin to bring you back into alignment and a sense of softness. Have some water and perhaps something tasty to eat nearby (I like a bit of dark chocolate or sweet fruit), as well as a soft blanket to snuggle under. Take some time to talk about what you experienced, how it felt, what you enjoyed, where you might like to take it further next time etc. Don’t rush away from the experience, always give yourselves some time to ground and decompress.